One Day at a Time

I have a personality that actually scares me sometimes. My brain starts to think things that I consciously know are not good thoughts, but the thoughts also bring this inner mischievous being out.

It all has to do with my mental health.

It is wild how different mental health can be from person to person and how two people with the same diagnoses can have such different experiences.

What I am talking about is from my personal experience these past few weeks.

I was experiencing a very high high, like nothing could tear me down. Then out of nowhere a major low came. I felt awful. Doing any task to take care of myself felt like too much work, the idea of waking up and having to eat was already too many tasks for my brain to handle for a day.

I felt like the weight of the world was on me and I had to keep functioning at a high level to not disappoint anyone. Then I got sick, and had to rest. I think my body does this sometimes as a sort of factory reset, it forces me to stop because that is the only way it can get me to stop. I have to take the break it has been begging me to take.

So I take a break, and it sets in that I am not doing things that need to get done, which makes me feel worse and like I can’t do anything.

For a good week I was at a very low low. I am smart enough to let people in my life know and try to force myself to do things even when they sound impossible, like taking a shower. But just because I am smart and have coping tools does not mean it is easy or a fun time. It is as if all the energy has been taken from me and trying to merely survive in this world is a task as challenging as trying to breathe when buried under six feet of solid concrete.

One morning the feeling broke and I noticed the state of my environment I had been living in. I call it the depression pit. Mountains of dirty laundry, dirty dishes in the sink, dirty counters, mail piling up, no fresh produce in the fridge. I had to make a change. I could not focus on anything other than cleaning. I cleaned and cleaned until things felt okay which caused me to be late to work, but I did not care.

Focusing at work is hard and caring for what other people want is harder. Making it through the day feels like an Olympic sport and I feel like my soul is being sucked out of me when I get in these states of mind.

I made the choice to take a day off of work, something I told my coworkers was because I wanted time with my family but truly it was for my sanity. I was to my breaking point. I could not be in a space where I had to pretend to be okay for another second, but I also felt better than before. This horrid rollercoaster of feelings gives me whiplash. Plastering a fake smile on my face can only happen for so long, but it also isn’t always fake. I need to be in a space where I am free to be how I feel.

Then today the other end of the spectrum hit. I am doing all the cleaning and laundry and my brain got to a bit of a manic stage. I wanted to do something reckless. I wanted to have too much caffeine, so I did. I wanted something more so I walked right over to the liquor cupboard knowing full well I would be drinking vodka. The door was locked so I could not do it, and that is a good thing. If it had been open I know full well I would’ve had a big cup and not told anyone. I was ready to break my sobriety. I wanted something to help me feel, or maybe to help me numb out, a crutch nonetheless.

I love the little devil that pops up and makes me want to do reckless things but it also scares me. Why does it happen? Why do I feel the way I do? Why does life seem impossible to get through sometimes and like the most fun thing ever at other times?

I have been off of a consistent schedule for a little bit of time so I need to get back to being on a good schedule. For me that means eating nutritionally dense foods, sleeping 8 plus hours a night, moving my body daily, and spending less time on my phone.

I keep pushing, I will make it through. I know some day I will have a better grasp on why I feel the way I do and what triggers me to feel awful sometimes.

Until that day comes I will keep doing my best to do my best.

I will take things one day at a time.

Until next time,

-H