You Deserve to Rest

Searching, searching, searching.

Sometimes I feel like all I am doing is searching. Searching for what? I don’t know.

I feel this combination of dread, anxiety, hope, and restlessness inside my body. Dread for what could come, anxiety for the same reason , and hope too. The restlessness in my body tells me things need to change and they need to change now.

During these phases I tend to spend actual hours scrolling on social media, which makes my brain basically melt and does give me a momentary dopamine hit but the high leaves as fast as it comes. It is like a drug and the more I use the less effective it becomes.

Then I turn to spending money, after that I turn to redoing my personal space. For example, the other day I decided to redo my bathroom so I ordered what I needed and did it. After these things don’t work I tend to go back to the doom scroll and then eventually decide I need to move or go on a very extended vacation.

This happens all the time to me. It is usually after I have loaded my body with too much for a week. I think I do not need breaks until I break and am forced to take a break. I want to be a work machine, but I am a human. I do not need to hold the weight of the world on me and work can always be done tomorrow.

It seems as I have gotten older, and more aware of how I am reacting and acting in a day, I notice I need breaks sooner. Sometimes this frustrates me because I feel like I am becoming less productive, but I also know when I let myself rest I am much more productive.

The second I feel it happening I do try to let myself rest, but sometimes I have to keep pushing through.

Life is funny because we work to live, and sometimes we start to live to work. We are in a society that deems relaxation as lazy and working 7 days a week is greeted with praise for being so dedicated to what you do.

I am just trying to live my life in a way that makes me happy and the people in my life happy, too.

I am working on obtaining that balance where I feel good about my work to life ratio. Sometimes I feel like I have figured it out and other times I feel as though I have no clue what I am doing.

That is okay. We all learn with time and trying.

I hope for all of us to find a work/life balance that we feel good about.

You deserve to rest.

Until next time,

-H