Taking a Leap

Be honest, be honest, be honest.

This is the monologue that has been playing in my brain recently.

I read or heard somewhere that the greatest form of art is the one where you make it as if no one is going to experience it besides you, but then you do make it public. I suppose that this blog is a form of that. It is thoughts I have been having and want to come clean about.

I have had a few people asking if I will be making new blogs, for awhile I felt a little bit tongue tied, I had a lot of change happening and I didn’t know how to handle it while also honestly expressing myself.

To be honest, when I started my new job I sort of went back in time with being honest about who I am. I started to hide in a shell and tip toe around the fact that I am queer.

Queer. This ever present theme in my life that eats at me. It is who I am, but should it be?

I did not know how the people in my office would react, I was scared of what they would think of me.

To this day I for some reason think it is so much easier for someone else to express who they are openly, but that is purely because I do not have to feel what they are feeling or have to experience the repercussions of their actions.

We still live in this world were people can be truly awful. I get scared. I do not want to be scared, but I am. I am scared for being who I was born to be, I am scared people will hate me, I am scared that someone may try to physically hurt me for simply being who I am.

I can’t believe that it is still this way, but it is true. There are a lot of accepting people in the world but there are also so many hateful humans.

This year I really want to focus on being authentic and also saying yes.

I want to experience new things and explore all parts of myself. I want to allow myself to free flow and be content in who I am and to also not feel shame in what I want out of life.

I think we are all just trying to do our best and be happy with our lives.

For me, that starts with really owning who I am. I do not want to tip toe around things anymore, it is not fair to myself.

I have known that I am queer for seven years and somehow it seems to be harder as I get older because I have preconceived ideas of how I should look and what I should be doing at my age. I am not actually that open about it. I shut down and hide parts of myself. This is something that truly brings me anxiety, I am talking heart racing, palms sweating type of anxiety.

I want to be seen as who I am but what if people do not like it? What if I lose important people from my life, but then could they really have been important?

Being who I am shouldn’t make me scared to live my life on the daily. I shouldn’t have to fear how people around me will react.

I will say most of the time it is all anxiety built up in my brain.

A handful of my coworkers know now and they have all been pretty cool about it.

There are so many things I feel like I shy away from telling people about myself and that is a sad way to live. I am working on doing my best to be honest. Why not show all of the beautiful parts of me that make me, me?

I hope we can all live our lives more honestly.

If you are struggling with being honest about something, I really do feel for you. Let’s take the leap together and be honest.

Until next time,

-H