Seven Years

Seven years, seven years. Wow. I can’t believe it has been seven years.

Today marks seven years being sober.

At the beginning of this journey I’m not sure if I ever thought I would make it this far without using substances.

I know when I first started getting sober I didn’t even think that word into existence because I didn’t want to label something I was sure I would fail at some point. I didn’t want to disappoint myself for what felt like the millionth time in life. Every day I felt like I couldn’t do the things I wanted to do, I had no energy, my anxiety was through the roof, and most of the time I didn’t care if I lived or died.

But then one night seven years ago something changed. I had an epiphany of where my life was headed. I saw first hand how my life could turn out if my body didn’t give out on me (I remember being shocked I made it to 21).

I was staying at a friend’s relative’s house. The woman was a drunk. Her family didn’t like her and she was lonely. She crawled into the bed with us slurring her words and wanting someone to pay attention to her. I was also drunk, I had just been to a concert and I had missed parts of the show because of the alcohol I needed to have. That is when it hit me like a brick wall.

I remember I had to get up and go to the bathroom because I was actually anxious about the fact that that’s how my life would be. I didn’t want it. I felt disgusted to my core. I started sweating and thought I might puke. I didn’t. I washed my hands and headed back to bed with a new plan in mind.

That was the last night I would ever feel the familiar sensation of inebriation.

Seven years. Wow. Has it been easy every day? Definitely not. In the beginning it was hard. And in the middle it was hard. I do notice that if I have the wrong people or wrong type of work for myself in my life it gets hard again and I want to drink.

Sometimes I wish I could just have a drink and I would know I wouldn’t have to immediately drink and drink and drink until I blacked out.

Sometimes I wish I could try substances besides alcohol.

Mostly now though, I am okay. And when I get stressed or upset about something I turn to exercise or journaling or talking to someone.

I love my body and life too much to want to do something terrible to it again.

I feel like I got a second chance, I was on borrowed time.

I love how much fun I have now, I used to fake having fun by hiding in a cloak of alcohol and would wake up with anxiety for what I had let myself do the night prior.

My life has completely changed in seven years. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would be where I am today.

So today I’m proud of myself. I did that. I am going to continue to do that.

If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction and would like to talk, please reach out to me.

Addiction is a beast like no other.

Thank you for taking the time to read about my journey.

Until next time,

-H